Uncomfortable

There is something about being uncomfortable that all of us (especially Americans) despise and therefore avoid. I'm not talking about pain per se, although that may be part of it. I mostly mean discomfort, something that is more an annoyance or temporary condition. Here are some of the uncomfortable things I have experienced recently...

The pins and needles feeling of not just your foot and leg, but also your butt falling asleep. Being in a closed space with a bad smell (being in an open space with a bad smell). Heat rash. The dull ache in your thighs brought about by having to squat to toilet. Bug bites. Being hot, constantly. Being too hot to sleep. Exhaustion. Dirty bathrooms. Bad chair/bed. A (very) long car ride down a (horribly) bumpy road. Airplane toilets. Airplane seats. Airplanes. Stinky airplanes. Being a woman surrounded by Islamist men (welcome to Addis Ababa Airport). Wearing skirts all the time. No eye contact with men. Strange food and strange customs. Swarming flies in the outhouse. Those flies landing on your bum as you try to accomplish your mission. Bees in the bathing stall. Spiders in the bathing stall. Anything alive in the bathing stall other than yourself. Bats flying into your room at night. Being surrounded by people who stare at you because you are white. Being mobbed by children (and adults) because you are holding a camera. Shaking the hands of people who are obviously dirty and or sick. Holding a baby who is not wearing a diaper. Being really dirty.  Bathing out of a bucket. I could go on and on and on and on.

So, I don't want you to think I am whining or complaining (much). These things are just part of life here or part of what it takes to get here. And being here is well worth it. Being here is awesome. Being here totally rocks my world. I am so amazed every day – I am in AFRICA! Instead of just wishing I am actually doing. Wow! Anyway, back to the point I was so awkwardly trying to make. It seems to me that if you want to actually DO anything to serve God and His children, then it is going to be uncomfortable. I think it's time to just accept this as fact. I mean, if you are only interested in serving yourself then I guess you don't really have to worry about it, but if you desire to do the mission you have been given – caring for the least, the lost, and the lonely, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, educating the ignorant, encouraging the brokenhearted, defending the downtrodden, loving the unlovable, touching the untouchable, carrying the truth of the love of Jesus Christ to the hurting world, any of that stuff – then you are gonna have to endure the hardship of some kind of discomfort.

Last summer, my church participated in a county-wide, multi-congregational, week-long, mission project called “Celebrate Jesus”. I remember how reluctant I was to knock on peoples doors and ask them about their needs - a key aspect of the mission. They were strangers, and strangers make me very uncomfortable. They might have said something mean or rejected me or asked questions I couldn't answer. They might have had needs I couldn't meet. What if they had smelled bad? What if they were drunk or high or dangerous? I imagined multiple scenarios of terrible discomfort and very nearly talked myself out of participating. To be sure, I did meet some of the very things I was fearing, but the world did not end. In fact, I discovered that in my discomfort I was far more likely to depend on God.

I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; and finally He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on---I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me.

2 Corinthians 12: 8-9 (The Voice)

I have found the lessons of 2 Corinthians 12: 8-9 to be even truer here in South Sudan. It is in my weaknesses that God's mighty power shows through. So I must allow myself to be weak. I must be willing to step into a situation that is beyond me. If I want to see my God be mighty then I must be willing to be uncomfortable. I am so glad - so very, very glad - that God made a way for me to come here to Nyinbuli. How sad it would have been to have gone my whole life and never seen the greatness of my God. And I know that He is greater still. He is more awesome than I have seen and more awesome than I can imagine. Oh, thank You, Lord, for sending me to this hard place. I was blind, but now I see.

I hope and pray that this is a break-through in my Christian walk, and not just a momentary spiritual high. I want to be willing to go to the hard places, the uncomfortable place. I want to be willing to do the scary thing. I want to be willing to step into challenge. And I want to be willing to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to retire from it or grow out of it or grow too old for it. Because it is in this danger zone that I have discovered a tendency to cling to Jesus. I have found it necessary to trust in my Savior. I am exalting in the closeness of Him. It's like I can smell the breath of the Spirit here and it is so sweet. I don't know that I should want to give that up for the safety that we Americans are always praying for. Even though the very thought brings tears to my eyes and fear to my heart, I would rather be out on this dangerous ocean where my feet may fail than anywhere else – whether it be the safe boat or the safe shore or the safe whatever – because this is where my Lord is. And isn't that the place I should want to be? He is my Safety. He is the Cleft of the Rock. He is my Shelter and my Strong Tower. He is my Shepherd. Not the boat, not the shore, not my mom and dad, or my A/C and plumbing, or my friends or the US government, or my home or my church. It is Him, my Savior. My Salvation. My God. Mine. And I am His.

Nyinbuli - Day 4

I have been here in Nyinbuli, S. Sudan for 4 days now.  Every experience is a new one and it has been hard for me to even bring my brain to a place where I can be concise.  Even now I am not sure of my ability to actually tell you anything useful about this place.  So be prepared for more random thoughts and rambling.

First thing of note, the roads here are terrible.  I know I informed you (better than complaining) about the roads in Juba and how terrible they were. Well that was the capital city, imagine how much worse they could be out here in the bush.  I am thankful that there is a road, but what a road.

We flew from Juba to Aweil on Monday.  A 1 hour and 30 minute flight.  We landed on a dirt landing strip and taxied up to the airfield office, which was little more than a shack and a tent.  I took pictures and I wish I could share them with you, but I think that will have to wait.  The internet here is reliable but it doesn't seem to have the bandwidth to support photo uploads today.

Anyway, Holly and I waited at the airstrip outside Aweil for several hours.  Unfortunately our IAS Nyinbuli team thought we were to arrive on the afternoon flight.  Oh well.  We were picked up eventually and we headed into Aweil town to do shopping for the team and to have lunch.

This town was much prettier than Juba.  It was almost suburban.  Well, underdeveloped-suburban.  We went to the market and Holly and I walked around a bit until we decided we were gaining too much attention (White People!) so we went back to the truck to wait.  After an hour or more of market shopping we had a lunch at the cleverly named BBC Restaurant (right down the street from 5 Stars Restaurant).  I'm pretty sure the place has no association with the BBC, it is only named that to sound posh and to attract foreigners.

Finally, we got on the road to Nyinbuli, a 130km (about 81 miles) trip.  It took us more than 3.5 hours.  The road is wide and straight and so rutted and washed out that you cannot maintain a traveling speed.  Sometimes you must inch around a deep hole or go off the road completely to avoid a small pond in the middle of it.  Or perhaps there is a herd of goats or sheep or cows that must be driven through.  And for those of you who might just want to ram the animals in frustration, keep in mind that those herds are the only money most of these people have.  They are the basis of the local economy.  If you kill one of those animals you must find the owner and pay them back (probably double).

So it was a kind of hellish ride, but we made the best of it.  Everyone remained cheerful and we drove into the compound as the sun was beginning to set.

Next point of interest, the clinic.... I have worked in the clinic every day, so far.  It is wonderful.  The clinic is about a quarter mile walk from the fenced IAS compound.  Everyday when we arrive there are already people waiting to see the clinical officers and the midwife.  They register or check-in and then they sit and wait under the sparse trees to be called in for their turn in the exam room.

It is malaria season so some are very sick.  We had two children whose temps were so high we ended up pouring water over them to cool them down.  We also frequently see malnourished or vitamin deficient patients.  I've been told that because of the decades long war and the annihilation of a generation, people do not know how to farm or how to adequately feed themselves and their families.  They are smart and teachable, but they are also frightened and traumatized.

The Dinka also seem set on restoring the population they have lost due to war, so they marry off their young women (not a new trend) and those women endure pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy. The mothers wear their poor undernourished bodies out.  They loose babies.  And many mothers die too.  I think S. Sudan and Afganistan have the highest mortality rates among mothers giving birth.

One of the primary focuses of this clinic is to educate people concerning the best way to have strong families.  Today we taught a workshop informing about birth-spacing and family planning. 
And speaking of workshops... I arrived just in time to participate in the three day IAS workshop that was being held here.

There were several hour long sessions every day and each session was on a particular subject.  Subjects included; human rights, conservation, nutrition, leadership, birth planning and childcare, and HIV/AIDS awareness.  South Sudan has not had much exposure to AIDS until now so we are taking advantage of this time to educate the people in the hopes of avoiding a national emergency.  The biggest obstacle to this is that you don't talk about sex here.  At all.  It is considered highly inappropriate.  But we must have these uncomfortable conversations because we want to save lives.

We may scoff at the more strange or even foolish aspects of another culture.  But that is an unfair judgement of something we cannot possibly understand fully because we have not lived their lives.  Instead we must approach all of these issues as simple teachers.  We are bringing information we have learned in our society.  They may do with it what they will.

There are so many other things I would like to tell you.  I wish I could just tell you the stories of all my days and nights here.  But there is not enough time.  I have some other responsibilities.  We have a woman laboring here right now (the first since our arrival) and Holly may desire my presence.

I will leave you with this request, please pray for the women here.  They are second class citizens.  They are baby making machines - that is their primary value to the community.  They are married as young teens (13 or 14 is not so unusual) and they have no choice in the matter.  This is a polygamous culture so disease and abuse is a constant issue.  They are not encouraged to attend school or think of any future beyond being traded for cattle to an old man who will then impregnate them repeatedly until they die or become unable to conceive.

Above I wrote we shouldn't judge another culture too harshly when we don't understand their society.  This kind of abuse, however, is not something we can look past.  A woman is a full person.  She is made by God in His own image.  She is a vital aspect of creation.  She is God's finishing touch on His masterwork - the cherry on top.

When a people undervalue and abuse their women, we must do something to change those hearts.  Here we are educating and giving clinical help.  At home you must pray that the hearts of the people would be changed.  And perhaps if you have money, you can give.  And if you have time, you can give that.  But don't turn your back.  Don't ignore their desperate situation.  Don't agree with the culture that tells them they are nothing.  Then you are just as guilty as the person who has abused them.  These women are beautiful and friendly and charming and caring and full of humor and character.  Please don't dismiss their need.  Spend some time praying for them today.

Father, I thank You for the opportunity to share Your love with the people of Nyinbuli.  Today my heart is aching for the women especially.  Their lives seem so hard and so hopeless, but I know they are seen, understood, and loved by You.  I know You hear their cries of their hearts.  Please, in Your grace and mercy, make a better way for these women.
I pray for the men here too.  I ask that You would soften their hearts and open their eyes to see what their hands have wrought.  Help them to love their wives and to treasure their daughters.
Above all Father, I pray that these people would come to know You as their Savior, the Lover of their souls.  And that by knowing Your love, they would learn to better love each other.
Jesus, I pray these prayers in Your precious name.  Amen.

Juba

So, this is our last night in Juba.  We leave tomorrow morning, early.  Fly to Aweil and then drive 2 or 3 hours to Nyinbuli.  I am not looking forward to the flight, but the drive sounds kind of fun.  (edit: it was not)

I will be very glad to get out of Juba.  The air here is hard to breath.  There is no electricity in this large city so generators run constantly.  Also people are using natural gas and charcoal and wood fires.  When the wind dies the smell is awful.  At night there is a constant dull ache behind the eyes.  It has got to be just terrible for the lungs.

It rained on and off and there was a lovely breeze today.  I am glad that our last day here was so pleasant.  Right now I am standing on the front porch with the computer propped up on the railing.  It is the only place we have internet on the property.  We could go down to the office for a better signal, but it is dangerous to walk the streets at night.

I hope to be able to post some pictures tomorrow or Tuesday.  We will have better access to internet in Nyinbuli than we have had in the city (go figure).  And perhaps I will be able to give a more thoughtful blog post instead of these random updates.  Anyway, there is so much to tell and not enough time to tell it.  The pictures will help, so I look forward to that.

I am so thankful to be here in this tough place so that I can bring it to all of you in a more personal way.  There is much need here.  So much.  I can't understand how we have been so blind and so self-involved.

I don't remember a "rainy-day" fund being part of Jesus' ministry.  Invest that "emergency" money in an actual emergency.  God will take care of you and yours; He has called on you to take care of the least, the lost, and the lonely.  They are out there.  And they need what you have...  Not iPods or television or frozen yogurt, but clean water, a dependable police force, health care of any kind, road maintenance and trash pick up, and Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

If you can't come yourself then find a way to give.  If you can't give money or time to mission (local counts), then get on your knees and weep and pray for these people.  Stand in the gap for them.  Be their prayer warrior.  You are literally filled with the Holy Creator of the Universe.  You have power.  PRAY!  Pray without ceasing. Pray with passion.  Pray with fervor.  Pray.

Father God, thank You for this incredible opportunity.  Help me to be what You have called me to be.  Thank You for the amazing prayer warriors You have put into my life.  I can feel their love and support.  Thank You for answered prayer.  I love You, Lord, and I pray that my heart would pour out praise to You for as long as I live.  Amen.

Arrived

It took several days of flying but we have arrived in South Sudan.  The 14 hour trip from Washington, DC to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia was by far the worst of it.  That is a long time to be in a crowded space with no escape.  But we made it and now we must wait here in Juba, South Sudan's capital city, for a flight to our final destination - Nyinbuli.  I just want to be there already, so the waiting is painful.  There won't be a plane out until Monday.  Arrrrg!  I know Holly is feeling impatient as well.  And it is an unforeseen expense.  We now have to feed ourselves and somehow navigate around this inhospitable place.

I wish I could expain to you how absolutely foreign this place is.  Have you ever driven down a washout dirt road?  Well all the roads here are washed out dirt roads, except they aren't dirt, they're clay.  And they all have enormous hills and valleys every few feet and there is often a pile of trash just sitting there in the middle of it all.  Nobody wants the roads to be like this, but there is no infrastructure in place to take care of it.  There are no street signs.  There are no understandable landmarks.  I couldn't find my way back to the airport if I wanted to.

Interestingly enough, other than the shocking hills I can see in the near distance, the topography of this place is similar to Florida.  The empty fields make me think of the St. John's river basin.  And when we were getting into the car at the airport, I looked out over the city and I was reminded of some of the more rundown parts of Cocoa or Orlando.  The weather is certainly similar, hot and sticky.

I have seen some creatures... a very large lizard with an orange creamsicle colored head climbing on a security wall.  Two ginormous spiders in the barbed wire atop the wall of our compound.  A small chirping bird.  Cattle egrets (the same as we have at home, though I don't know what they are called here).  And a swallow zooming around the airport.  Nothing too mind blowing.  I'll keep my eyes open.

Mostly what I see are people.  Smiling, laughing, friendly people.
I am typing this entry from the IAS office here in Juba.  Their vision and mission statement are posted on the wall.

Vision:
A godly, transformed society.

Mission:
To save lives, promote self-reliance and dignity through human transformation, going beyond relief and development.

More on all of this later.  I am eating up all the internet time with my rambling.
Until then....

Ready or not...

Here we go.  In about four hours, Holly and I are boarding a plane and beginning our journey to Nyinbuli.  Today we will fly to Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC and tomorrow we will fly to Ethiopia.

I have never spent more than 3 hours in an airplane.  Even when I've flown to California or Washington state there were multiple plane changes.  This flight will be 14 hours straight.  I am kind of dreading it.  I'm not a small person but I'm going to be stuffed into a seat meant for one.  And I won't be able to avoid airplane toilet.  Ugh!  But ultimately this will all be worth it, because when the plane lands Holly and I will be in Africa.  Can you imagine?  I can't.  And I won't have to, because I'll be there.  From Ethiopia we will fly to Juba, South Sudan and we'll hang out there for a few days.  And from there we will fly to Nyinbuli via a UN flight.  (edit: flew to Aweil via Kush Air and then drove to Nyinbuli)

So those are the facts.... And here's another.  I'm terrified.  Like really, really scared.  It makes me feel silly and foolish to be this frightened.  I'm not ready for this.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to my family and to my friends and to my cats.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to my comfortable life.  I think I will miss my A/C and plumbing almost as much as I will miss my people.  So, I'm afraid, but I'm going to do it anyway.  There is more to life than what I know and what I see.  I refuse to run from this incredible opportunity.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1: 7 NLT 

Fear is not from God.  It is found in my own weak flesh and encouraged by an enemy that wants me immobilized.  I will not allow this fear to keep me from doing the things that God has set before me to accomplish.  I will instead rely on the power, love, and self-discipline (or sound mind) the Spirit of the Lord has given to me.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me this opportunity to be a blessing and to be blessed.  I pray I would be Your obedient daughter and that You would be glorified in all I do.
Please be with my friends and family as they pray for me and Holly.  And please bring us safely back home so we can share these experiences with them.  Above all, I pray Your Will would be done.
I pray this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Gotta wrap up.  Time to go!

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

This song is the inspiration for the name of this blog.  I will include the lyrics here, but they are also found in the music video.

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail.

And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand.
 

And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace

for I am Yours and You are mine.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sov'reign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me,

You've never failed and You won't start now.
  
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace

for I am Yours  and You are mine.
 
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Saviour.

I will call upon Your name, keep my eyes above the waves.

My soul will rest in Your embrace.
I am Yours and You are mine.

 
CCLI Song # 6428767 | Joel Houston | Matt Crocker | Salomon Ligthelm
© 2012 Hillsong Music Publishing (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) | CCLI License # 79126

Feeling Anxious

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4: 4-8 NIV 
  

I guess I'm feeling a bit anxious.  Btw, when did that "with thanksgiving" phrase get in there?  I often whine at God when I "present my requests" to Him.  Or I make a list of demands.  Now I'm supposed to rejoice?

This kind of praying (apparently the right kind) takes exercise.  But it is worth it.  When I pray without thanksgiving, my prayers are self-focused, shallow, and needy.  But when I acknowledge God and thank Him for all He has done, is doing, and will do, then I see Him - and He is Awesome!

Praying with praise is better.  It is not easier.  I mostly forget to pray this way.  I tend to be a cynical and negative person.  I forget how good my life has been.  I forget how loved and cared for I am.  I've lived a safe, blessed life.  But when things get a little dark or dangerous, I get depressed and cranky.  Suddenly the God who has taken care of me and provided for me is a bad guy and He is ruining my life.  Yeah, I turn into a teenager.  I get all grumpy and I slam doors.  I stomp around and mumble under my breath when I get corrected, I become stubborn over ridiculous, non-issues.  I even have temper tantrums.  Mature, right?

As the departure date for South Sudan looms closer (June 25th y'all) I find that I'm spending less and less time in prayer, meditation, and hopeful preparation.  Instead I am trying to avoid thinking about going while simultaneously worrying about going.  I try to clear out the negative thoughts and emotions associated with taking this scary leap of faith, but I forget to fill the empty space with positive truths, so all the crap just comes rushing back in along with some new worries (not unlike Luke 11: 24-26).

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul instructs them to pray with rejoicing - even scary or tough issues can be brought to God in a spirit of thanksgiving, for He is good even when circumstances suck - and to empty out their fears and the desires of their hearts to God. And then he encourages them to fill that empty space up with "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely," and "whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

So, right now, I am praying...
Thank You, Father, for this wonderful, incredible, amazing opportunity to serve You and to learn about loving people who live so very differently from me.  I know that You will put me to good use and that I will be a help and not a hindrance.
I give You praise, because You have given a plan and a purpose to my life.  Wherever I go, You are with me.  The world is a dangerous and scary place, but I am safe in Your hands.  No matter what.
Thank you, Jesus, for peace in South Sudan.  I pray it would be a lasting one.  Thank You for the stability You are bringing to this new country.  Thank You for loving and caring for all people; You are good and gracious.
Please, Holy Spirit, help me to be strong and courageous and to stand in Your Truth.  I love You and I love what You have made.  Help me to build up and not destroy Your marvelous creation.  Thank You for choosing me to be part of Your kingdom work.  Thank You for making all this possible by Your sacrifice.
It is in Your holy name that I pray.  Amen.